Waiting for Joshua

There is a popular saying: "The worst part about an ass kicking, is waiting for it to happen."

I sit here again, late at night, stewing over the weekend.  Monday is the 5th and an important day.  I feel like Caesar.  I've been scheduled to see the man who's going to direct the next few months, years and possible life time.

I've gone through all the emotions and have beat myself like washing a sweater against a rock.  Reading and research can only fill in small holes, but the biggest fear of all still comes back to basic human fear: the unknown.  I have the nerves of a hockey player before a big game.  Someone who fiddles with their laces, because they just don't know what to do with their hands.

I'm nervous like a sky diver about to fall out of a plane; going from safety to tumbling tumult.  It is all the extreme of human emotions.  You go from fear, to anxiety, to readiness to exhilaration.  At least there will be answers.  The monsters under the bed will fade when the lights come on. 

I hope.

Am I getting more sleep?  No. 

Am I sleeping better? Yes.

It has come to the point where I'm sure the surgery will happen.  The tone and language of doctors has changed, yawing on a wave of reconsideration.  My choice, the "no wrong answers," my decision has been made by unknown quantities.  The ship is listing to one side now.  I don't know if it was always listing that way, or just rolling with the waves.  I hope it doesn't sink.  I hope my one man empire doesn't crumble.

Beware the ides of March, or at least the quarters of March.  A lot can happen in a day.  I hope for no surprises, or secrets lurking in the shadows.  The thing I know for sure is: I'm going to get my ass kicked. 

How and for how long still needs to be written down.

There is one benefit to being awake, when even the street sweepers have gone home.  I get to look out my window at the sky.  Sometimes my problems just don't seem big at all.  We are all hurtling through space at the same velocity and in the same direction.  If there were any way to link all the people on the planet, it's that we're all going the same direction.

If there's anything we share it's that.  We all sleep under the same moon and we all catch ourselves looking up at it sometimes.  We all walk on the same crust and we all have the same thoughts looking at the moon.  Thinking like that makes it less scary, but a little more melancholy.

There is still so much to do and see.  It just depends on how bad my ass gets kicked.

Until then, just sit back and stare at the sky.