Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Let's Talk

I have been dealing with depression in my life for close to seven years.

It came about in 06'/07' after fighting cancer in my parotid gland.  It could have been caused by the radiation therapy or just by having to fight.  It took a long time for me to realize that I was depressed, and it would take even longer before I would share that information with anyone.

In 2012 a new cancer showed up.  It was Melanoma.  It was small but it had done things it wasn't supposed to do.  It was a shallow invasion, but it had jumped to my lymph nodes with four cells.  I had massive surgery on my leg and groin.  They got it all and life went on.  This time the depression was back with a vengeance.  This time, however, I wasn't keeping it to myself.  I was going to share this with everyone, because we are not alone.

I knew I wasn't alone, but I also started to hate my body.  Two things that will damage the male pysche are major scars to the face and groin.  I had both in spades.  I saw it as my body turning on myself.  I didn't hate my personality, I hate the physical me.  When I talk to my shrink, I often talk about wanting a new body.  One where the immune system wouldn't betray me.  One where my leg was healthy and strong, one where my face wasn't oblong and asymetrical.  What I wouldn't give to be healthy again and stop the parade of doctors I have to see.

The important part to take away from that is: I'm talking to someone about it and I'm getting help for it.  Before that, I felt ashamed and stupid.

"I feel sad because I had cancer.  I don't want to bring anyone else down.  I feel alone."

That's the wrong way to think about it.  Everyone has problems and your feelings are valid.  I had an eye opening discussion with Peter Kelly back in November.  I'll never forget his words regarding depression.  "This is a real thing and it can be countered.  You just need to know you need help and can get it."

It is something that can be handled.  It takes recognition and it takes the people around you.  I wouldn't be where I am now, mentally, without my wife Lindsay.  She's the one who convinced me to go see someone.  I look back now and ask: "Why did I not do this sooner?"

I had a hole in me.  I tried filling it with food and with video games and escapism.  That hole never fills up with physical things.  It will just empty out again and you'll want to fill it up, just to feel normal.  Ask anyone in construction or contracting, the way you fix a hole is by patching it up.  We need to put the pieces back together.  It's not easy, nor is it quick, but with help it can be done.

So here I am now.  It's 2013.  I have depression still, I still resent my body, I still want things to be back to normal.  But, I am dealing with it.  I am working hard to keep my head in the present and to keep moving forward.  To make progress and not let myself get bogged down.

It's hard.

It's hard for anyone to admit they have a problem with depression, or anxiety or with OCD or anything else our brains does to us.  This is my message to you.  You can do this and you don't have to be handcuffed trying to fill that hole inside you.  I've tried, it doesn't work.

You can get help.  You just have to ask.  There's no shame in asking and people will want to help you.  You are not alone in this.  There are a lot of people out there who sometimes feel the way you do.  Fighting together is always better than fighting alone.

My name is Jon Robertson and I battle depression everyday.

But, I don't do it alone.


2 comments:

Evan Dickson said...

HUG CITY!
You're never alone, Jonny. There are many people, like me, who love you (body included) and will go to bat for you no matter what. Always.

Natalia Goodwin said...

Brave Boy! "Coming out" about depression is the hardest part, because people don't think it's a real thing at times, they will understand something physical, but not mental. This is the cure for the stigma, talking about it so more people will feel brave to talk about it and to someone. You aren't alone buddy never! You have an army! Love to you and Linds! xx